I feel very tired of "being a woman" sometimes. It's not that I feel some internal conflict with womanhood. I just hate what other people impose upon me, what womanhood must "mean" for me.

A few months ago, I wrote in my diary about how I wish I could go on walks alone at night and go on solo backpacking journeys without the fear of being assaulted or raped. I'm just so sick of feeling this way, of barring myself from living life how I want to out of fear. I remember telling my grandmother that there's a hiking trail near the school I'm transferring to this fall. She told me to "NEVER go hiking by yourself." I just hate this. I hate being made to feel as if I have to be chaperoned like a child my whole goddamned life. It's insulting. I've missed out on so many concerts in the city because my mom thinks I'm going to be raped the second I set foot in the subway by myself.

This level of paranoia is extremely unhealthy, in my opinion. Most of the time, it is other women who impose this paranoia upon me. I understand that they're looking out for me and I appreciate that, but sometimes it feels very patronizing, as if they think I'm incapable of looking out for myself. Obviously, it's important to be aware that other people can be dangerous, but I think there's a tendency among many women to overcorrect and assume that they're always in danger as long as they're not chaperoned. In doing this, you'll start to believe that you're far less capable than you actually are, which I find completely counterproductive. How are we as women supposed to live like independent adults if we're constantly telling each other to live in fear? Of course the onus is on men to not be rapists, but what can I realistically do about the individual potential rapists that may or may not be in my vicinity? Lock myself in my room for the rest of my life? Constantly have a chaperone with me like I'm a child? Never do a single thing without a friend to watch my back? I have to live anyway. I have to live no matter what. I refuse to be scared into submission. The old man who may or may not have been recording me at a Uniqlo will not stop me from living my life to the fullest. I refuse to let him scare me. I refuse to let my life fall into the hands of others.